Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Just me...and close to my heart...

Some people know this about me and others do not. I have two grown kids. One of whom was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder or Clinical Depression.  Along with the depression there is also, Agoraphobia, Emetophobia(fear of vomit), and Telephobia(fear of making phone calls and receiving them) , Anxiety Disorder,  and Panic Disorder. This isn't about my child but rather about me. I only give the afflictions as a point of reference for others.

 As a parent, partner, spouse and sometimes friend of some one that suffers from these afflictions you will know what I am speaking of. Some people know that these things are not things you can just get over. Depression is a disease just like Cancer or even heart disease, and although none of these have been proven to be hereditary it is believed that they all are.  The difference is if my child needed a kidney to cure them I could give one, but unfortunately what they have I can't cure with anything I could give. I have been told that I tend to coddle too much, but as a parent it is hard not to, because the one time I don't could be the last. It is hard balancing trying to parent how you might a normal child with a child with these afflictions even if the child is an adult. It is not that I want to make life easy for my kids because I do believe life is hard and making life easy only makes it worse but rather that I do not want to push too much either because with this disease it is hard for them to balance even the simplest of tasks sometimes in themselves.

I am not trying to make excuses but the disease is a struggle. As a symptom of the disease it can be very hard for them to even recognize they have the disease at all or how severe it truly is.  I have seen this first hand. I was in a relationship for over 20 years with my kids father who also suffers from Depression, Agoraphobia, Bipolar, PTSD, Schizophrenia psychosis and yet as a symptom of the diseases he has doesn't believe he has all of them or any of them on any given day at any given time and then other times he will say he has some of them. It has been a constant battle in trying to get him to seek treatment for these issues and as a result I finally had to walk away.

 I have watched a physical metamorphosis take place in the face, also can be a symptom of the disease, and it does make me think that sometimes when people were accused of being possessed by a demon I can see why. Especially for those that suffered back in times when this disease wasn't looked upon as a disease but rather a way that some one just needed to get over.  After all when you give birth to a child and as a baby they are so happy, smiling and then the day comes when they are not it because they look like they are not the kid you gave birth to because you can physically can see that what you are looking at is not your kid you do question these things.

 It is hard to separate the disease from the actual person at times and realize that what they are saying isn't really them. Like when they say they want to kill themselves and even attempt to do so. It can be very hard to come to the understanding that nothing you could say or do would prevent that from happening if they do end their life, because when they actually attempt it or succeed it was a symptom not a selfish act on their part. All you have in times like these is a sense of faith or hope as the support person that is watching what can seem like a scene from a bad movie unfold before your eyes.  A sense of hope that this is the not the lesson that karma would want you to learn right now, and the saddest part is when you were wrong.

Although I know that more research is being done in this area every single day and a lot has been learned in the last 20 yrs even that some day like the cure for cancer and other diseases that we can see a cure for this. However isn't this what everyone wants that has to deal with some one that has any kind of disease?

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  1. I do understand, and I thank you for sharing. I love you, CAT.

  2. Thank you Shelley for all your support. This post has been a long time coming...just needed to get it out there. :-)