Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Just me...and close to my heart...

Some people know this about me and others do not. I have two grown kids. One of whom was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder or Clinical Depression.  Along with the depression there is also, Agoraphobia, Emetophobia(fear of vomit), and Telephobia(fear of making phone calls and receiving them) , Anxiety Disorder,  and Panic Disorder. This isn't about my child but rather about me. I only give the afflictions as a point of reference for others.

 As a parent, partner, spouse and sometimes friend of some one that suffers from these afflictions you will know what I am speaking of. Some people know that these things are not things you can just get over. Depression is a disease just like Cancer or even heart disease, and although none of these have been proven to be hereditary it is believed that they all are.  The difference is if my child needed a kidney to cure them I could give one, but unfortunately what they have I can't cure with anything I could give. I have been told that I tend to coddle too much, but as a parent it is hard not to, because the one time I don't could be the last. It is hard balancing trying to parent how you might a normal child with a child with these afflictions even if the child is an adult. It is not that I want to make life easy for my kids because I do believe life is hard and making life easy only makes it worse but rather that I do not want to push too much either because with this disease it is hard for them to balance even the simplest of tasks sometimes in themselves.

I am not trying to make excuses but the disease is a struggle. As a symptom of the disease it can be very hard for them to even recognize they have the disease at all or how severe it truly is.  I have seen this first hand. I was in a relationship for over 20 years with my kids father who also suffers from Depression, Agoraphobia, Bipolar, PTSD, Schizophrenia psychosis and yet as a symptom of the diseases he has doesn't believe he has all of them or any of them on any given day at any given time and then other times he will say he has some of them. It has been a constant battle in trying to get him to seek treatment for these issues and as a result I finally had to walk away.

 I have watched a physical metamorphosis take place in the face, also can be a symptom of the disease, and it does make me think that sometimes when people were accused of being possessed by a demon I can see why. Especially for those that suffered back in times when this disease wasn't looked upon as a disease but rather a way that some one just needed to get over.  After all when you give birth to a child and as a baby they are so happy, smiling and then the day comes when they are not it because they look like they are not the kid you gave birth to because you can physically can see that what you are looking at is not your kid you do question these things.

 It is hard to separate the disease from the actual person at times and realize that what they are saying isn't really them. Like when they say they want to kill themselves and even attempt to do so. It can be very hard to come to the understanding that nothing you could say or do would prevent that from happening if they do end their life, because when they actually attempt it or succeed it was a symptom not a selfish act on their part. All you have in times like these is a sense of faith or hope as the support person that is watching what can seem like a scene from a bad movie unfold before your eyes.  A sense of hope that this is the not the lesson that karma would want you to learn right now, and the saddest part is when you were wrong.

Although I know that more research is being done in this area every single day and a lot has been learned in the last 20 yrs even that some day like the cure for cancer and other diseases that we can see a cure for this. However isn't this what everyone wants that has to deal with some one that has any kind of disease?

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Monday, June 18, 2012

And so Confusion sets in...

I study people. I tend to study them a lot. I have been told I should have been a psychologist and perhaps the people that have told me this are right as I do tend to study them more then 50% of any given day. People that is. That is a lot of people studying. So in my latest studying this is what I have found.

Within society we have different societal communities that come in all shapes, sizes, personalities and such. So my confusion comes with the fact that some of these different societal communities their lack of openness and yet instead judgmental and close mindedness seems to prevail. You would think that open mindedness and non judgmental would prevail in any societal community that wasn't the norm and yet this doesn't appear to be the case. It's like living in a live version only older of the movie "Mean Girls". All that is missing is the burn book.

 The people within these communities usually have been a victim of bullying so you would think because of this that it would make them the most tolerant of anyone and anything, and yet it's the direct opposite. I have witnessed people be shut out because of the way in which they live, because of the choices they have made, or where they do or do not stand within society. It is sad really...truly it is. It actually hurts my heart as a result of this.

I guess I just model myself after the FFM traits more then others do. Or perhaps I hold myself to a much higher standard so because of this it confuses me that others would choose not to. When I see some one I know that needs help I do try and help them every way I can. Even if it means being their friend so they have at least one true friend in this world. My wish is that the rest of the world would try and live up to this as well. I know there are others out that feel this same way that I do and also try to live by this philosophy, but I just wish more of the world would do so as well, and yet funny how it takes the passing of some one for people to realize that they fell short in these very things.

As times goes on I only hope that we as a society and community can be more tolerant and open to everyone and everything. That we can reach out to people and be a true friend, not just one that is there when it's convenient. A wise person told me once that we were lucky if we could find one true friend that would remain our friend throughout the course of our life time, and it's sad that our life seems to mimic this very sediment. Still one of my favorite poems listed below.


A Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or
a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you
will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON . . . It is
usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have
come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically,
emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a
godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason
you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something
to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our
desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you
sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON . . .
Because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount
of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional
foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the
person, and put what you have learned to use in all
other relationships and areas of your life. It is said
that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

How did I arrive here again?

How did I arrive here again?  A friend suggested that it must be a wine night for to have arrived at this destination. However wine would not be the cause of the destination but rather a result of it instead. Then it was recommended I use my GPS in the future. People don't understand that I tend to argue with my GPS. So why is it that things in life seem to run in circles. I realize that it's because we have not learned certain lessons and the universe wants to make sure we get the lesson. However, why a circle and not a square?  Or any other shape for that matter.

The Dalai Lama said today "Gaining mastery over our destructive propensities, through the exercise of awareness and self-discipline with regard to our body, speech, and mind, frees us from the inner turmoil that naturally arises when our behaviour is at odds with our ideals. In place of this turmoil come confidence, integrity, and dignity - heroic qualities all human beings naturally aspire to." in his status on Facebook today. Perhaps the arrival is a sign of the turmoil in our lives?

So I say again, How did I arrive here again? I think my arrival is definitely a direct result of the turmoil in my life, and clearly I am not reaching my aspirations.